There were more things going on today than I could cope with, plus it was cold. This morning when I woke up I felt cold inside and out even though I should have been warm in bed and that set the tone for the day really, my body and mind felt too cold for anything. What I really wanted to do was sit upstairs in my art room and potter about but I had promised to go and visit someone, then another friend was asking if I could alter a card for her, whatever that means, then someone else wanted to call round and there was shopping to do and….etc etc. Why am I so mean to myself when it comes to giving? Some of it is procrastination and fear, but maybe I just don’t feel worthy enough to allow myself the space to write or paint or whatever, I must – as Julia Cameron said in one of her books – slam the iron door shut on distractions. As I type this I can see a Lindt chocolate bunny and a Thornton’s Easter egg just sitting there waiting to be eaten, oh dear, so much to do!
It’s Good Friday morning and we have sun, blue sky and fluffy white clouds, just how I like it. Sadly, that cold east wind is still with us keeping temperatures low. This has has always been my favourite time of year, the Spring, maybe because I was born in March this time has always been special to me.
This year, in Britain and for a lot of mainland Europe, we have been in the grip of this icy blast of bitter cold weather from the east and for the first time I let it get to me. The endless grey skies, the cold kept me prisoner indoors, only going out when I had to. Now I am not a mamby-pamby person who shrivels at bad weather so this was unusual for me. Perhaps it was all the stressful events from last Autumn that finally caught up with me, which I don’t want to discuss here and now, maybe, or just that the house was so cold. Whatever it was, I am waking up now after a long wintry night of the soul, and, despite the cold ready to get back out into the lifestream.
One of my favourite memories is of one Good Friday when I was 5 years old. My mother’s friend and her daughter came to visit from Germany and they brought with them those coloured papers that you can decorate eggs with. I had never seen these before and was fascinated by them. It was so much fun dyeing boiled eggs all different colours, we ended up with too many which we had to eat afterwards, I don’t think my mother was very pleased. Evie, the daughter, who was 10, was very artistic and I always loved it when she came to visit. She was very talented and a big influence on me when we used to sit together quietly doing our drawings, I don’t remember speaking much, we were both shy and preferred the silence. I can still remember that Good Friday, running along the road near the fire station, in the bright sunshine and Evie was just ahead of me her pigtails flapping in the breeze as she ran, and I can still feel that bubble of happiness that rose up within me, that feeling of freedom and being alive in the moment. I think that somewhere inside I am still that same little person with the bubble of happiness in her heart.
I will be busy today, a friend is coming to lunch so there is lots to do. It is also my fasting day. I have decide that at the moment, as I am on the fast diet that I have become a diet bore so why not make a page of it and bore everyone silly. That aside, it appears to be working and so I had to keep up my routine of fasting two days a week, I think Good Friday is an appropriate time to abstain.
Well, the sun actually appeared this morning for a brief burst, and yesterday, I heard the distant chimes of the ice cream van so things are looking up. Very soon I shall be off to France, made the booking two days ago. Doing this always makes me nervous. It means that whatever thoughts and ideas that were in my head are now made real, manifested in the outside world. Things feel much safer when I can pick and choose in my head what I want to do, changing my mind, putting it off or fantasising, but it’s done now, I have printed off the ticket, it’s the point of no return. Why this causes so much stress is unknown because I make this trip 3 time a year and it’s always fine. Now I will begin organising rather than meandering through the days and I have a deadline to work towards. This is good really, I actually enjoy deadlines, the thrill and panic as it looms up and I do my best work under pressure, so why the anxiety I don’t know. But there’s more, not only France but I have to go to Holland on business in between, so I have to begin structuring my time, making space for my art.
This morning, I actually started to feel like writing again, ideas were beginning to seep into my brain again, where have they been hiding? I have missed them. Things are shifting, I can feel it.
It’s officially Spring in the Northern hemisphere, but it’s a long time coming. Winter is still holding us in its icy grip and shows no sign of letting go. I am longing for some early Spring sunshine and glimpses if blue sky but I feel trapped under leaden grey skies and mauled by a bitter east wind. Because it’s so cold I have felt unable to create, I just do what I have to do to get through the day and then creep into bed early. My brain seems to have frozen and my thoughts muzzy. “It was much colder than this when I lived in Berlin.” my mother keeps saying. I know this, but here in Britain we’re not used to it. Maybe if I lived in more northerly climes I would adapt too but as for now I’m feeling resentful, which is pointless because you can’t fight against the weather. So, on Monday which was my birthday I woke up to icicles, grey sky and snow, and that was just in my bedroom. We made the best of the day though and gradually my brain began to thaw, maybe I can adapt after all.
Now the Easter break is almost upon us and it’s still cold but my mind is gradually responding to the slight thaw; the icicles have just disappeared from the garage. I am hoping that I can creep back into my art room and begin to do some work again, there are projects that have been discarded, lying in wait – papier mache eggs that need decorating and I’m running out of time for doing that, I always tend to leave things to the last minute. So. I shall hop upstairs now and get on with the things that I need to do and hopefully post a few pics too.
I have just added a few bits to the menu but as yet haven’t uploaded anything. Most of my recent stuff can my found on the website. Will be keeping busy during the next couple of days but will update soon.